Good old Mrs Clump

          Now years ago I worked in a department store in Truro called Dingles. I can hear you racking your brains thinking what department was good old Disnarc camping about in.
Was it the men's department where with a warmed tape measure Disnarc would go where no one else would tread ?
 Sorry no, men's fashion has never really got my juices running.
Was it the china department where Disnarc found his love for Spode Blue and White?
 Sorry again the answer is no.
         If you walked into Dingles in 1986 you would have found old Disnarc mincing his little bubble butt off in.......The Ladies shoe department. Being assistant Manager for my sins and loved every minute of it. OK I was rubbish at the paper work but have always been able to sell sand to Arabs and woman do love a screamer telling them how fabulous they look in shoes. One funny episode happened that I would like to share with you dear reader.
         There was a woman who I had never meet but had heard about from my sales team and other staff in the store. Never meeting this woman as she always came in on a Wednesday and that was my day off. Every week she would come in and buy an outfit, make-up, bag and shoes but the next week something would come back. Granted not everything but always something and it would be the most silliest reason. Her best excuse was the item looked completely different outside or the dress must have been switched because when she got home it was to small and she could not fit into it. The store Manager at the time had no back bone and when seeing this woman walk into the store he would walk straight out the back door. Once a month I would walk into our back room and find a pair of shoes sitting on the managers deck with the words returned by Mrs Clump (not her real name but when describing what she looked like you will think I'm kind).

         Mrs Clump was a proper old fashioned Cornish farmer's wife. She Would always come into Truro once a week with her husband and go shopping. This woman was about 5'11" and about the same around, the same size as sumo wrestler but taller. Always with a hat, pearl necklace on and a floral print dress and pop socks that when she bent over, (which would even make Wayne Rooney wince) you could see that she had only shaved her legs to the top of the pop socks which makes me feel sick just remembering it and she wore smart comfy flat black shoes. Mrs Clump was one of those people you just did not won't to meet down a dark alley, for one reason you would not be able to pass the old battle axe.
         My Manager went on holiday so old Disnarc being the willing mug said that working 6 days was fine so everything would run smoothly, plus the boss was a bit of a tight fisted old bag and would not pay the part times overtime, so Disnarc was left running the show. The shop was very quiet on the Wednesday afternoon and starting to lose the will to live when all of a sudden the floor began to shake (we were on the first floor). Looking up coming towards me was a sumo, barging everyone out of the way heading towards our area. Just as all the blood drained from my face and fearing for my life this thing stopped dead and boomed "Where is the Manager?" This woman had a much deeper voice than mine and I'm sure a darker stubble.
"I'm sorry the Manager is off today can I help you I'm her deputy."
"These shoes I bought last week are too tight and demand a refund" boomed Mrs Clump.
Thinking quickly on my feet I asked if it would be possible if we could try something with the shoes as I could see she really did love them and it would be a shame if she had to have a refund without us trying something. Then explaining to her that in the back room there was a machine that would stretch her shoes and would be delighted to try her shoes on the machine for her. After huffing and puffing (really she was huffing and puffing because she had just climbed the stairs) she said yes and old Disnarc disappeared into the back room. 5 minutes later returning with the shoes I asked if I could put them on her feet so she could try the newly stretched shoes on.
"What a difference young man they feel lovely now" Mrs Clump squealed as she walked up and down the shop floor. The sight reminded me of the pink Elephants in Fantasia as she bounced up and down the department.
" You are very welcome Mrs Clump and we look forward to serving such a wonderful lady who has great taste in shoes again" and at that she marched out of the department and stopping at the stairs she turned back and waved with a big smile. This image still haunts me quite often and I'm only glad that she has never featured in my nightmares knowing that I would be shagging her and not chopping her head off.
         Now let me tell you what really happened when I left the floor and went into the back room.
When entering the back room with all the shoe boxes and desk I noticed in the corner our Hoover so placing her shoes on the deck I switch on the Hoover, knowing they would be able to hear it on the shop floor. Now what was Disnarc going to do for 5 minutes, the only thing I could think of was to lean out of the window and have a fag (for people who do not live in England that is a word for a cigarette and not a Gay man, if I had a Gay man it would take longer than 5 minutes trust me). Once finishing the fag I turned the Hoover off, picked up the shoes and minced on out.
         It was a gamble and really had nothing to lose as Mrs Clump had returned most of her shoes that she had bought from us and even if we had not reached our target that week I knew that if this worked I would have done something no other person in the building was able to do. Later hearing from other staff that she left the department store humming. Good old Mrs Clump we never had a problem with her in the department anymore. One down side my Manager made me work every Wednesday after that to make sure Mrs Clump was able to see her nice young man.