 |
| This picture is used on Facebook when the black dog arrives. |
I have suffered from mental illness for the last 16 years. You can call me manic depressive or even been called bi-polar or just plain mad which is my favourite. I cannot switch my brain off and fixate on the slightest thing, a good example is if you're walking and the thought of your parents passing away crosses your mind. A sad thought and then you brush it aside and carry on thinking of something completely different. I can't do that and within minutes it moves on and I'm in tears and my mood has changed. So I want to go back to 1995 when I had my first mental breakdown.
Greg and I were doing great, together for 5 years and my career was rocketing as a concessions Manager for Royal Doulton and just be given their Scottish flagship concession of Jenner's in Edinburgh to run. We moved from Paisley to South Queensferry, a beautiful converted steadings just outside Edinburgh. We both had fantastic jobs and were both climbing our career ladders fast, at this moment in time I was earning more money than Greg. Life was Fab, working hard and playing hard we knew it was the right move at the right time. Always been a creature of habit, getting up at 6.30 and out the door by 7.40 to catch the bus. Same seat on the bus everyday, morning coffee always at 11am and lunch at 2. Never missed the 5.45 bus home. 5 days a week, work was on the up beating targets and moving the shop to where I wanted it to go. Then the strangest thing happened, started getting up later and when sitting on the bus I would start to dread people sitting next to me all because I thought that I smelt. Looking back that was impossible, showering and shaving every morning, having 3 suits, one to wear all week, one in the wardrobe just in case of an emergency and the other one in the dry cleaners. A clean shirt every morning with a different tie and as you have been told before half a tonne of perfume like any decent Queen.
Things became worse very quickly, if someone sat next to me on the bus I would get off at the next bus stop and wait for a quieter one to come along, even letting 5 buses go pass me all because each seat had someone on them. Getting into work later and then the same in the evenings before I knew it I was getting home at 8 or even 9. I started to forget big chunks of my day. Could not tell anyone what I had been doing or where I had been and disappearing for long periods of time. A friend who was concerned followed me one day and said all that I did was to sit in a park on a bench not for 20 minutes but for 2 to 3 hours. Not remember much from August 1995 to the end of 1996 all I can recall is going to the Doctors and not saying anything but just crying and then being given the happy pills.
From August 1995 things went down hill very fast. Royal Doulton drop me as fast as they could and poor Greg was left dealing on a daily basis with a person he did not recognise and having to struggle with losing over half the monthly income. Greg moved jobs so he could be near me and worked every hour God sent to keep our home going. During this time I could not leave the house and shunned any human contact. Nightmares where a common theme, I would either be having sex with anyone and everyone or cutting their heads off. If you were lucky I would shag you and then cut your head off. Greg did not get one decent nights sleep of over the next year with me thrashing around in the bed or sleep walking. Now the sleep walking was fun, as Greg would get up in the morning go into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and open the cupboard to get a mug and find pots and pans in that cupboard. What I was doing in my sleep was going into the kitchen and rearranging all the cupboards. Please don't ask me why as it is a mystery to me why I would even want to change the cupboards. I think the best one was finding the kettle in the freezer or my best dinner set in the washing machine.
After about 6 months the Doctor decided that I should have a CPN take over my case and then twice a week Chris would visit and we would talk. Her main worry was my objection to leaving the house. Yes, I would go out but only with Greg and never alone. Chris decided the best course of action was to bring in another CPN who's name was Jerry. Jerry felt that the main problem was the bus and people so the second week he meet me and took me into Edinburgh on the bus, we had a cup of coffee and then the bus back to home. The next week I got the bus at my stop and Jerry got on the bus at the next stop. This went on for nearly two years with Jerry getting on the bus each time one stop further until I made it all the way into Edinburgh to meet him for coffee and home again all by myself. Chris would always see me once or twice a week and would go through de-stressing methods.
I have been left with a high pitched buzzing sound in my head that is there 24 hours a day. Having tried to get rid of it but it just will not go. Calling it my stress valve it now helps me judge how I'm feeling. When my stress levels go up the buzzing will get louder and we then all know something is wrong and I have to calm down and figure out what is causing the buzzing to get louder. For that reason I'm not good in loud places as with the buzzing in my head, loud talking or music I cannot hear what anyone is saying (bit of a blessing with some people).
My depression will come on at anytime calling it the black dog just like Sir Winston Churchill. Feeling it coming I try to stop it but it washes over you and nothing or no one can stop it. Since 1996 I have had 3 more breakdowns with the last in December last year resulting in us all knowing that how much going back to work would be great it is not possible. I have panic attacks and worry about anything and everything. Each night lying in bed remember every conversation that took place that day and worrying about what people think about me.
For my family and friends it is hard and difficult and I would not be writing this now if it was not for them. Greg is my strength and my light and I thank God for him everyday knowing that not many people in this world would have stayed with someone with a mental problem. The other person who I owe a lot is my Father. He never judges but listens and if there is one positive thing that has happened through all this as I have a very close friend who is my Father as well.
What will happen in the future, nobody knows but I do know that hoping and praying that the buzzing will go away one day, because if the buzzing gets louder and louder and there is no way of stopping it the outcome will be one of two things. They will either cart me away to a mental hospital or it will be time for me to go to a better place. I don't want sympathy as there are reasons why we are born the way we are but I wanted you all to understand me just a little better. My brain is on the go 24/7 and try each day I try to have a fun Gay time. Most days are good, some are not so good so sometimes out of the blue you may get a blog that is not full of campness and fun but black and serious.
Hope you enjoy these blogs as knowing some small minded people think it's disgusting and wrong but if there is one thing Chris and Jerry did teach me was that those small minded bigoted people will think everything is disgusting and wrong apart from their small warped worlds and it's their problem and not mine.
