A Queen's guide to a stress free run up to christmas..........

         This weekend we arrive at the time of year I get my tight bubble butt into gear. For everyone else this weekend brings Halloween and then Guy Fawkes night but for me it is the start of the Christmas count down. The one thing I love more than a six pack and hard nips on a well oiled hunk is organising Christmas. Buying the presents, writing the cards, picking a theme for the house and even wrapping all the presents gets this old Queen so hyper you can plug me in and I can generate electricity for the whole of Europe.

         This year is going to be a little bit different for me as we are not on the main land we will not be doing the same things. Gone is the coal fire and finding the 9 foot Christmas tree (the cottage is not much taller than a hobbits home). Gone is the large party with buckets and buckets of Green Apple Martini's. Oh I have seen so many people with important jobs and titles leave our home, well crawl out really after a few of them (look them up in Nigella Lawson's cook book). So this year I will have to get my juices running finding other things to do.

         Now I hope you do not think that a serious shopping Queen like myself waits until after October to start shopping for Christmas. I really started buying in August as when you have a 14 year old they are not happy with just a couple of presents, and I learnt a very long time ago that if you finish all the buying by the end of November it leaves your Husband with a lot more money in the account to buy you some beautiful gifts for his hard suffering wife. So here is the Queen's guide to a stress free Christmas......................

1: If you see it Buy it

         Pick up a couple of items each week and remember to find a fab hiding place to stash them. Don't forget to remember where you stash them. One year I totally forgot I had given a friend loads of presents to keep from prying little eyes. She brought them around on Christmas Eve, I felt like a complete tit and one young son got a magical and expensive Christmas morning.

2: Keep to one theme

         Each year I have a theme. Same colour decorations, same wrapping paper right down to the Christmas cards. OK for the last 7 years I have had a thing about blue and silver but you can never go wrong with a classic.

3: Do not buy cheap wrapping paper or cards

         Now I am not being a snob but please keep away from that common cheap wrapping paper. I have this problem with my Mother, each year when we lived in Scotland she would send our presents wrapped in them and I always had to re wrap them because of all the rips. OK not the whole truth, I was not going to place that common paper under my tree so I do always re wrap any presents that arrive before the day in the themed paper.

4: Cards, Cards, Cards

         Don't leave it to the last second to write the cards. If possible get someone else to do the job, well I am a Queen and my wrists are not that strong. Do Not get stressed if you receive a card from someone you have not sent. It is a waste of time and effort, put them on your list for New Year cards. Have the cards written by the 1st  December.
5: Trees and decorations

         There is only two ways to go with trees and decorations. Classy or trashy, of course I always go classy but plenty of people including every member of my close family go trashy. I only have the tree with a couple of select  items dotted about. Tinsel is a No No, common as muck and try to get a real Tree. A small real one is better than a big thick false one (sorry lost the plot there, forgot we were talking about trees). If you want to spend money buy a real wreath for your front door, beautiful and so welcoming putting a smile on any one's face before they enter your home.
6: Food
         Don't go crazy with loads of food as it only goes to waste. Be smart and go to someone else's home for Christmas day lunch. I have for the last 5 years, well I am tired by the time the big day has arrived and I can only just manage to lift the glass of sloe gin and I am no good stuffing anything by then. Plus the shops are only closed now for one day so not long to wait.
7: Sloe Gin
         Make sure you have a large supply of Sloe Gin, once the kids are off school it is best to be plastered until they return to school in January. Plus you never know when a certain Queen will be cumming to town.

         There is a few details I have missed but you get the idea, so good luck and most of all have fun. Remember the fun is in the giving but remember what presents you get so if it is really bad you can return the favour the next year.

The Campness of Saturdays

         Saturday's are fast becoming my favourite day of the week. I know you are thinking that everyday must be fun with a bottle of Sloe Gin in one  hand and nothing to do but play bingo on Facebook or potter around the garden pretending to be Alan Tittymarsh. Every Saturday is turning into the most camp and Fabulous day of the week.

         I have not been going out that much really for the last couple of months during the week. Finding it hard and lonely walking around the handful of shops this Rock has to offer, so I have started to wait until Saturday to go out with my sexy husband or to meet up with Yvonne. Everything is different when you are not alone. When seeing a fab sexy hunk walking towards you it is Ok to start to breath heavily and turn around and scream " Check the ass on that" or go into the perfume department and test some smellies and giggle because you walk out smelling like footballer's wives. These things cannot be done alone and I thank the big Lesbian God in the sky for Yvonne.

         We meet in Christies for a bit of lunch, the only reason is the good looking men. The food is normal and everything is over priced but there is a couple of good looking young men to get you all moist for the shopping to come. Then it's off mincing around the shops looking for anything or buying that one item we cannot live without. The great thing about Yvonne is she is one of those woman that is very equal in her shopping when out with a Queen. I do not mind wondering around ladies boutiques and looking at dresses, tops, shoes and handbags. Oh I love the handbags and when I am holding a £700 bag in my hand I get so excited a bit of wee comes out. Yvonne is then happy to potter through the menswear departments watching as I finger my way through the latest collections. After a couple of hours it is then time to make our way home to get ready for an evening of camp television.

The Fab Russell Grant

         Going out into town on a Saturday night is now boring having done it most of my youth so to have a scream in front of the box with a glass of Sloe Gin in my hand and the bottle next to me is pure heaven.

Strictly come Dancing gets my juices flowing and with the wonderful camp Russell Grant dancing his way into Strictly history is pure gold. I don't really give a flying fig about Harry and his wonderful pecks or Robbie with his flowing locks and whiter than white smile, all I wait for is the middle aged small fat man with the biggest heart and the talent to even make Craig smile.

The outrageous Johnny

Saturday night television has always had a Queen on it that brightens up our lives, now with Russell dancing his camp way into the nation's heart and then on the other channel Johnny singing his heart out on the 'X Factor'. This Queen is nothing to look at but kindness and love flows from him in bucket loads and his voice is outrageous ( in a fab way). When I look at him he reminds me of the great late Larry Grayson that had the nation in fit's on 'The Generation Game' in the long and distant past of my childhood when Gay men were still regarded as the scum of the world.

         My husband, Yvonne and myself sit laughing and screaming at the television all night and I love every minute of it. So put some campness into your lives and I promise you that before long a big smile will be on your faces. Plus if you can find a woman that in a previous life was a Gay man to go shopping with even better.